Tris and the Punching Bag
by myownlittleinfinity
Summary: On page 340, of "Divergent" by Veronica Roth, Tris thinks that Tobias doesn't like her even though they shared a kiss the night before. I thought that this was a more appropriate reaction for Tris to have.


"Today's fear landsc-" Will starts to say.

"I've got to go to the bathroom," I stand up abruptly, causing all three pairs of eyes to look at me.

"Have fun," Christina rolls her eyes at me, and Will just shrugs, while Uriah takes my toast.

I turn from our table and walk to the end of the dining hall, trying to avoid as much notice as possible. My limbs are shaky, and tears sting at the back of my eyes. I will myself not to cry, to not give _Four_ the satisfaction. I can feel his eyes on me, and every part of my body hums, but I don't turn around. I _can't_ turn around or something inside of me might tear.

_He changed his mind, that's all there is to it._ I tell myself, trying to keep from exploding.

By the time I get to the bunks, the sadness has been replaced by anger. But anger is not at him, it's at me for letting him _distract_ me. I told myself before, and I still didn't listen. I look down at myself, in the exposing top and kick the metal bedframe of my bunk at my stupidity. I let tears run down my cheeks to my chin. I feel heat rushing to my face at the embarrassment.

_I like how you look_. His words ring in my head as I sink to a ball on the floor, leaning my back on Christina's bunk. The cruelty of it all hits me like a ton of bricks. It couldn't have been a joke- "liking" me- he showed me his _fear _landscape. I try to think, I really do. But my mind runs in circles and a pounding resonates behind my forehead. I can feel my heartbeat drumming in my ears. I stay like this for a few seconds before I remember that Peter and his minions could come in. I will not let anybody find me like this. I will _not._

I quickly rip off the black ribbed tank top, not caring who sees me in my bra, and put on a baggier top to go with my black jeans and gray sneakers. I feel more comfort dressed like this. More Abnegation.

I have twenty minutes until 8:00, so I do something to get rid of my anger, to let go. I go to the training room. I walk swiftly through the caved walls until I am in the right room. The familiar smell of metal greets me as I whiff in the scent of the weapons. In the corner of the room is the punching bag, which is what I am looking for.

I tie my hair back and set to work. His deep voice echoes in my head- the tips for using my elbows and knees, my speed. I grunt as I punch and kick the stationary object, tears are freely flowing, but if anyone saw me they would just think it was the pain.

I start to mutter to myself in time with my attacks, "He . . . doesn't . . . want . . . me." It might seem cruel, but it is the only thing keeping the anger surging through me, and if I keep that rage, then I won't break next time I see his deep blue eyes.

I start to feel a little better, until I think of the kiss. The way he smiled at me after the first one. I stop punching now, and stand with my eyes closed, thinking of last night. He said the two-age year difference didn't matter to him, but after the kiss, how could it not? That was my first kiss, and I can't imagine I was very good. He is eighteen, he expects things, things that I cannot possibly comply with, which he must've understood after that kiss. _He knows I am like a little girl_. Tears flow harder, and I let free an angry moan through my teeth that had been building in my throat.

No matter how Dauntless I become, I will always have irreversible Abnegation ways built into me. Will I ever be Dauntless? _Fully_ Dauntless?

_You belong here, you know that? You belong with us._ Tobias's voice only fuels my fire, and now it has truly been unleashed and the punching bag is starting to move. I thrash and kick and punch. _This is better_ is the only thought going through me- the only thought sustaining me.

I trusted him too easily, and now I feel this awful emptiness welling up in my lower abdomen. I have to stop mauling the bag, because if I don't the bile working its way up will find a way to be free. I look at my watch. 7:55.

My legs feel a little shaky on the hard cave floor, and sweat drips from my every appendage. The self-pity and sadness that had turned to anger, is now slowly building into rage.

I walk to the outside of the dining hall doors where the initiates meet. On the outskirts of the gathered Dauntless-born and faction-transfer initiates is Christina, Will and Uriah. I quicken my pace until I am to the left of Christina. She raises an eyebrow.

"Where were _you_? The training room?" She says jokingly.

I shrug and nod, "Yeah, you know, early morning workout."

Christina rolls her eyes and turns her head forward, dismissing my weirdness. Will however, doesn't.

"Why were you in the training room?" He presses.

I shrug again, "Just felt like it."

"Yeah- how else is she going to stay at number one if she isn't agile?" Uriah jokes.

I wish he didn't say that, my faction-transfer friends left me for thinking I manipulated them, even if we got past it, I don't like to remind them.

Christina turns backs to me, "You _have_ been very elusive lately." She points out, then her eyes narrow, "What _did_ you end up doing last night? Asking Four a question or something?"

His name puts that empty feeling in my gut. I am surprised she remembers, especially since she and Will were together when I ditched them to see what Four was doing.

"Yeah, I asked him about stage three." I lied quickly biting my lip. I try not to think of last night, that look of awe he gave me. He's perfect, absolutely everything I aspire to be with his selfless courage.

Christina can tell I just lied and says, "No you-"

Lauren and Tobias at the front of the group get our attention.

Lauren starts to say something about how both groups of initiates will be together this morning.

I make the mistake of letting my eyes wander to his. He looks at me questioningly, as if to say _Why are you dripping with sweat?_ But I turn back to Lauren.

We make our way through some hallways, and I lean on Uriah a little bit, just in case Four turns around. He doesn't.


End file.
